In 2017 Paul told the story of your Mom & your stepdad! You were in shock; he finally left after 40 years. Paul asked us when we were going to leave? Were we going to wait 40 years or leave tomorrow. I left that year in September and I went back 7 times. I am happy or glad that September 14, 2023 my divorce was final & no more abuse ever… My husband never ever tried to be even less abusive, he thought he was so much better then me & everybody. Narcissistic People destroy people. ❤️Thank You Paul❤️

This podcast has made me feel like I’m not alone, or “crazy”. Whenever I feel down I put an episode on. To remind myself what I went through, what that person did to me. Paul has brought so much light into my life. I will never let someone hurt me again. I feel stronger every time I listen to an episode. Thank you so much for your guidance. Your lessons are irreplaceable.

I’ll start by saying I appreciate this show. The last episode rubs me the wrong way. I am in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. I was always apologizing for years and begging for forgiveness. I’ve been in therapy and have started standing up for myself. I don’t not grovel, apologize, or beg. I now tell him he is in the wrong when he’s abusive and point out he needs to change. The episode basically says a victim will never blame the abuser and I think that is skewed and can lead to confusion. A victim can be assertive, know it’s not them, call the abuser out for their behavior, and still be the victim. At some point you realize that it is the abusers responsibility to get help and change and you stop fawning. It is the abuser who is causing the relationship problems (I don’t mean normal relationship grievances of course - but the abuse cycle). Can you clarify this to your audience? So this way if someone hears a victim “blaming” the abuser they don’t start to think the victim is actually the abuser. It is really hard to clarify as I’m sure my SO plays victim to his friend group as well.

I just found this podcast and listened to the episode about the walls that abusers put up. This is so insightful and I highly recommend this podcast to anyone looking for understanding in a difficult relationship.

I suffered through over 25 years of emotional, spiritual and verbal abuse. And in listening to your podcast it has helped give me the courage to leave. When you talked about how there can be a time when someone’s heart has been turned off towards their partner and that helped me so much to see that this had most definitely happened to me. But the “time to yourself episode”, WOW, now that I’ve been out for about 2 months and just at 2 weeks of no contact, I listened to this episode. I was never allowed to do anything without my husband being with me or he’d have hurt feelings. But he’d also hyperventilate and cry if I had to go out of town, to see my mother with Alzheimer’s . It was extreme!! After I’ve now left he has been baker acted 3 times, once voluntarily and twice against his will. So it escalated even more after I left. I was extremely isolated and controlled in my marriage. And it’s still surreal that I got out. But I’m growing and healing. The work you do here is beautiful. You are changing lives. Mine being one of them. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Boundaries get confused with care and crossing boundaries - cruel behavior, manipulation followed Random acts kindness … it makes you feel crazy Thankful to Paul to map it out Very helpful

So, I have a question, could you explain the reasons with people that are narcissistic and emotionally abusive why the other spouse changing themselves doesn’t make or encourage the abusing/narcissistic spouse want to change? There doesn’t seem to be many people talking about it. I’ve been there done that, tried it all, and my spouse continued to just be emotionally lazy, toxic, pass the blame, make excuses, continued draining me emotionally, and frankly be turned off by me completely unless he was treated with utter grace no matter how awful he acted, treated me, or how he messed up the money, I wasn’t allowed to get upset because it triggered him. Basically, I couldn’t be any sort of normal in my opinion.

Thank you for such useful tools to define and identify emotions along with beginning steps on how to handle such difficulties.

Thank you for all of the useful content you put out, it has been extremely transformation and life changing for me. This podcast helped me learn what it looks like to truly love and respect yourself and other people you care about. Thank you.

Listening to Paul be so raw and honest about his healing from being the toxic person in a relationship feels like a breath of fresh air. Not only am I able to look at more at the areas that I could still improve but it makes me feel heard in what I experienced in my own toxic relationships. A must listen!

I JUST found this new podcast! So excited to listen! Thank GOD for Paul Colaianni ! He’s pioneering this much needed area , so much hidden abuse with few who ‘get it’ ... His first podcast the Overwhelmed Brain kept me sane and he literally helped me realize I should and could escape with my children from a potentially deadly covertly abusive marriage. Realizing it wouldn’t ‘get better’ and seeing this was due to my ex’s unchangeable personality disorder and losing myself to the abuse has been the hardest most devastating experience in my life. Thank You Paul , May God Bless you for the care and very helpful much needed info you share with an underrepresented population of those of us who are or have been victims of this crippling ( but nearly undetectable to those outside the relationship! ) abuse. You’re truly an angel of mercy to many. Thank you on behalf of my children and myself! UPDATE: wow I cannot believe Paul C still throwing out lifelines ! God bless! Ithaa been 6 years since I went no contact , Paul’s podcast & emails saved my & my childrens lives . Still recovering from the trauma but SO GRATEFUL for Love & Abuse & Overwhelmed brain! Such a caring comforting vocal hug & support , now I am sharing this with my poor emotionally abused mom in hopes she can save her own life too . 5stars!

You got me through the other side of an abuseive relationship your podcast helped so much thank you

This podcast is truly helping me through a tough time.

Hi, thanks for the great information. It was enlightening. I just wanted to know when you suggested to take a break before ending a relationship, Does that mean that partners should discuss the reasons behind this break and be honest with each other about the probable outcomes or does that mean that it could be left undefined and ambiguous? I ask ‘cause you didn’t differentiate these two and I believe this will happen with passive aggressive abusers who are always the people who give the most excruciating silence treatments. If I was given any chances, I would disagree with having a short break because it would have led to a very disappointing break up at the end and I’d rather not.They enjoy having chances to break you down every time you approach them. They enjoy taking your power and punishing you for everything you’ve been feeling in the relationship. Giving them time will only give them enough excuse and power to treat you the way they always masked in the relationship with making the set for you to play the bad guy. I would like to ask you to talk more about controlling behaviors in emotional abuse victims in the next episodes if that’s possible. As a victim of emotional abuse, I always blame myself for not standing up for myself, more than empathetic restless efforts to change (control) abusers behaviors, For holding to that teeny tiny hope that I can finally make sth out of this mess!

thank you getting me through such a tough time and teaching me to stay away from what hurts

I searched all over for a podcast on abuse after leaving my abuser. There isn’t much out there that isn’t self-promoting in terms of mandatory workshops, etc. This isn’t one of those podcasts. This podcast delves deep into abuse and the various aspects of abuse (physical, verbal, financial). The host, Paul, was a former verbal abuser, and speaks honestly and candidly about it. His perspective, honesty, bluntness and kindness in the way he delivers his message and information is so beneficial to anyone seeking advice, information, or closure. I can’t recommend this podcast enough. It is wonderfully done! Thank you, Paul. You’ve helped me reconcile some difficult aspects of my relationship, and I am sincerely grateful for the content you create.

This podcast has helped me so much. I went through a very painful divorce and I’m still in a lot of emotional turmoil about it. There was much verbal emotional abuse. It just feels so good to listen to all of these episodes confirming that I do not need to stick around for insults, chronic criticism and anger. Thank you ♥️

I have appreciated the insight Paul has provided. What has truly helped me the most is that both perspectives are provided. That of the abuser and of the abused. I have learned so much about myself. I so much appreciate how Paul is able to give such insight into how to guage a relationship’s progress and whether healing is taking place from both sides of the coin. Paul’s definition of love is spot on and I grateful for this podcast. Relationships are difficult, emotionally abusive relationships especially, but listening has really helped guide me in so many ways. His non-judgmental approach and perspectives are invaluable.

Thank you so much for giving me the strength and validation I have needed to hear.

Without your podcast I wouldn’t understand mixed toxic emotions from an abuser! I listen & comprehend my self in so many different aspects. Thank you for your words and genuine knowledge 😇🥰🥺 This podcast is literally better then Therapy! Xoxo; thank you.

This is the best pod cast that I have ever listened to. I am currently in a emotionally abusive relationship. As has every relationship I have been in before this. I have seen and spoken to therapists, and have been diagnosed with PTSD due to my former abusive partners. Sometimes I feel so down and just need some encouragement! Paul is absolutely amazing. His words give me hope and courage! I will continue to listen daily! Thanks again!

This is an astoundingly good, relatable & excellently compiled podcast. Paul provides a safe platform for solo soul searching & truly awakens inspiration to tackle your own issues and recognize what belongs to others. Great podcast! Give it a listen, you won’t regret it.

For the past three years, I’ve been in an abusive relationship with a person who suffers from addiction and comes from a chauvinistic culture. I have a tendency to be overly compassionate to the point I end up desperately trying to understand the other persons feelings while neglecting my own. This podcast brought me a tremendous amount of clarity during times I felt in the dark. There have been many, many times I felt I had no one to go to and have had to suffer in silence. During those times, I would turn to this podcast and the knowledge you shared validated my feelings when my ex would make me feel bad, guilty and/or confused. I finally left my toxic relationship a few days ago and this podcast is the #1 source that is helping me emotionally / mentally pull through and stay strong / certain in my decision. I’m immensely grateful for your work, time and effort you generously dedicate to helping people like me who’ve been suffering in abusive relationships and feel alone. I can’t possibly describe in words how much you’ve helped me and will continue to. What you do here matters. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You’ve been my guiding light.

This is the best thing I have ever come across! When your in the middle of the tornado, sometimes you think your crazy and can’t articulate your feelings. This podcast has helped me so much and I can’t ever recommend it enough!! His voice is smoothing and just what I needed. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!💓

This podcast was what finally gave me the ability to understand exactly what was happening to me in my toxic relationship with an extremely manipulative narcissist, to explain what I was experiencing to other people, and to finally get out of the emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive relationship. PLEASE listen to this if you feel in any way that you are in an unhealthy relationship. I say this all as someone who those that know me would describe as strong, intelligent, educated, successful, and independent… and I still got stuck in the trap. It can happen to anyone and you are not crazy or alone. This podcast saved me from going further down a terrible path.

I love this podcast. I am 24 and in my first serious relationship. Listening on a regular basis keeps me aware of how I and my SO show up in our relationship. Both of us were raised by emotional abusive parents which makes it very easy to let those behaviors slide. Listening to this podcast helps me understand what is normal and where to draw the line. I encourage all to listen!

After listening for 30 minutes I just couldn’t listen any more. I wondered if this guy, who I am sure has something to offer, had any kind of professional training in counseling - couldn’t find any info that he does. The advice felt so wishy washy and he contradicted himself so often. He also gave some very questionable advice, in my opinion. There is also a lot of rambling and repeating. I really wanted to like it, but it fell very short of what I was hoping for.

Really appreciate this podcast. I am learning so much about myself and my partner and how we come to the relationship. Thank you

The good: the host is very good at describing things in a way that authenticate both perspectives without demonizing those who may fall into “toxic” behaviors. Things that are suggested to be done instead are usually helpful and insightful. The best episodes are the 18-25 minute ones. The bad: he repeats himself a lot and talks in circles without focus. Most episodes over 25 minutes take forever to get to the point and waste your time with lots of anecdotes and saying the same thing ten different ways. The host is not a psychological counselor but heavily pushes his “course/workbook.” The episodes should be shorter—because the shorter ones are great—and more focused. The lack of professional guests is concerning.

Paul is an unsung hero and has helped me exponentially in my personal and professional life. Thank you Paul !

Is there a way to request transcripts of shows!

I just came across your podcast this morning, and by 5 at night I’ve had to have listened to over 10 of them. Not only is this podcast informative and calming, but it is outright inspirational and reminds us that humanity, at its core, is good. This podcast is so wholesome, when the world is in such a struggle, and it’s so important to listen to all of this. Thank you for making this podcast for EVERYONE, since everyone should be listening. <3

I am working my way through your episodes from the beginning after a friend told me about your podcast. I was skeptical at first, as I am with all resources on abuse because there are so many bad ones out there, but so much of what you say has validated my experience of abuse. When I got to #19 about isolation I had to post my first ever review of a podcast. Thank you for speaking to the “kind” isolation that is so covert that it can go on forever unnoticed. It wasn’t until he overtly said he didn’t like me on social media taking other people’s advice over his that I realized he had been isolating me “kindly” for many years.

In all my life I have never heard an individual so clearly, efficiently and capably address all of the most salient and continually inexplicable challenges in all human relationships…With a degree in psychology, and years of life experience under my belt, it perplexes me how I could’ve gotten through life one more day without having This unique (and incredibly mellifluous) compendium of information, brilliant insights, applicable strategies , and exceptional inspiration as generated by this obvious genius regarding the “great human effort“ of relationships, and more importantly, of the self.

Please keep doing what you are doing Paul!!! Thank you!!!!!

you have truly opened my eyes to my situation that i am currently going through and it’s helped me learn how to approach him in a healthier way. thank you so much paul you have really helped me a lot.

Paul I love you so much you’ve helped me a lot and I just don’t know how to thank you enough <3 :)

I’m really grateful to have found this podcast, as well as the Overwhelmed Brain. Paul is honest and it’s good to hear someone that talks about how they changed and what helped them change. He doesn’t pretend to be perfect. He acknowledges his past flaws. It’s very insightful.

I’ve been listening to Love and Abuse and as well as the Overwhelmed Brain for a couple months now. I love Paul’s style and his capability of hitting home on so many levels of emotional abuse on both sides. He gives you straight easily retainable verbiage to use within your own relationships that I have found the courage to try out for myself with some success. He is humble, and has a kind gentle way with his words. This is by far the most helpful self-help podcast(s) I’ve ever listened to. Thank you Paul for sharing your insights and helping me. I’ve already passed on several of your episodes to friends who are also struggling. I look forward to listening to all of your previous podcasts and more in the future. Keep them coming! Sincerely, P.E.

Paul has a soothing, calming voice and the content is very useful and unbiased. Highly recommend this podcast .

Paul, has a soothing voice and covers a tough topic with wisdom and caring. Thanks for making this podcast. If you are experiencing abuse or think you may being abuse then this is the show for you. Also, this show will help you avoid abusive relationships. A+

I started listening to Love and Abuse shortly after I broke up with my toxic/emotionally abusive bf. I’ve learned so much about everything that happened through this podcast. Starting from the top where I was love bombed, and kind of manipulated till the end where I couldn’t tolerate any more bad behavior. This podcast and the overwhelmed brain really helped me learn and heal from that toxicity, so that I can be my best self. I’ve also recommended it to friends and family who are in toxic relationships so that they can find some clarity around the dysfunction they’re in. Thank you, Paul and keep up the great work.

I am going through a difficult time (divorce) and you have helped me tremendously, I listen to you podcast every day when I walk my dog, I find your comments sincere and straight forward, you don’t need a PhD, although you are very professional so don’t listen to negative comments “haters will be haters” you show your humanity, when you share your own experiences like a true friend would do. Thank you for helping to improve my self steam and take better decisions to choose my battles wisely. Gracias.

I stumbled upon Love & Abuse a few weeks after I learned my husband was sharing intimate photos of me on the internet. He was doing this while away on vacation with friends and he never came back. Ive not spoken with nor seen him since... nothing. With Paul’s help, I was able to slowly, painfully and fully understand what emotional abuse is and how utterly devastating the effects have been on me. Eight months later and I am on the path of recovering from the traumas of emotional, physical, sexual, financial, verbal and psychological abuse. There is a lot of healing, self reflection and growth still to do (a lifetime no doubt) and I am actually excited to do the work, to get my hands dirty, and to fully embrace a true me. Thank you Paul for your service - I am a survivor and the tools I’ve acquired from you are essentials in my survivors toolkit.

This podcast is my biggest support in understanding emotional and psychological abuse and what can I do about it to protect myself and keep in my power

You waste so much time talking about yourself & giving side stories you don’t get to the point until minutes upon minutes into the podcast. I fast forwarded so many times. These type topics are too important to be handled in this way. You also say the same thing over & over, it sounds preachy & you beat down a topic. I can’t see you as a doctor because there’d much more depth behind the topic. The whys, hows, whats or how to handle it - much more clinical & less emotional. I’m sorry but when I tune into something I don’t care about the hosts feelings or their day. The show isn’t called “Lets Talk About The Host’s Feelings”. I’m still listening to an episode as I type this you’ve literally said the same thing at least 30 times.....

Have you ever noticed how this guy reads “letters” from “listeners” and those always contain over the top flattery of the host?

This podcast contains life-saving information. So good!

Thank you for just being so real and upfront with your topics. I found you when I was getting high and I related to every word you said, well spoken and I will listen on. Thank you.

I discovered this podcast when I was trying to separate from my ex-husband last year. There were so many times I just wanted to listen to these episodes over and over because I felt like Paul was speaking directly to me about warning signs, triggers, manipulation, gaslighting, narcissistic behaviors, and other experiences of being in an emotionally abusive relationship. So much of this was difficult for me to see until it was explained so thoroughly. Such an interesting perspective that he comes at this from the point of view of the former abuser, so there is also a lot of insight there. Paul, thanks for your humility and bringing this healing to so many of us. I can tell you that your podcast gave me great strength to finally leave my marriage last year, and though it has been tough, and I feel still in recovery, I am so happy to feel free and myself again. If you are interested I also have my own podcast called Restorya about rewriting our own stories, working through trauma and transformational healing. Thanks again! Kate